What is a Friend?

There is currently an epidemic of loneliness among adults in the United States. A study published by Cigna found that 46% of adults report persistent feelings of loneliness either “sometimes” or “always.” Young adults are the hardest hit, followed by the elderly. Only around half of Americans report having meaningful in-person social interactions on a daily basis. 

This situation leaves me pondering friendship and the question: What is a friend?

A lot of people would agree on some level of definition that involves “someone you hangout with” or “spend time with” or even a flowery “do life with *twinkle* *twinkle*.” However, many can also agree that there is a difference between the kind of friend whose company one simply enjoys and a “real” friend. 

So, then, what is a “real” friend? Many articles online list various traits one should look for in finding a "real" friend or for being one. Even more articles list ways, in click-baited fashion, that you can divine whether or not the relationships you currently have are “real.” Many of these articles cite the same points, such as: real friends are “there for you” and “care” or “listen” or are “selfless” or “in it, bro.” However, among the sea of articles, I have noticed two distinct waves. There are those that suggest that “true friends” are unicorn-esque creatures to be found and tethered to one self. (It is the responsibility of the other person to just BE a true friend.) The other suggests that “true friends” are not the subject in question, “true friendships” are. 

True friends may simply exist, but true friendships are forged. They are forged by one person reaching out to another with a level of care and empathy that exceeds the merely polite. They reach out with a hand to clasp another before building a relationship together. True friendships are enduring because there is an emotional connection that comes from a mutual vulnerability which creates emotional intimacy. It takes a level of risk to expose that kind of vulnerability. That exposure often invites more casual friends to exit the relationship. This is because casual friendships are different at their core from deep or "true" ones. 

At the root of what defines a true friendship is a depth and commitment level that is simply not present in relationships of convenience. These levels do not occur because two people happen to exist in the same space at the same time. They often arise out of tough times. During these tough times, a person reaches out to another, to provide support or simply understanding in the lifting of a shared burden. 

The difference between true friendships and shallow ones is that shallow friendships are not rooted in anything regarding the other person. They are rooted in a selfish interest for one’s own enjoyment. Helping people through things is difficult. It requires a giving of one’s self without expecting a return on your investment. Maintaining deep and meaningful relationships requires consistent effort and care. 

There is a growing need for “real friendships” in our culture today, and the church is uniquely situated to help address it. The church is a meeting place of all generations around a central theme of the gospel. Small groups and Sunday school classes provide a place to form connections and share vulnerabilities in a safe, Christ-centered environment. 

As those in the church attempt to reach out, especially to the younger generation, it is important to remember that we can offer something people desperately need: connection. Making genuine connections has long been a part of the mission of the church. When ministering to the younger generation, it should become the focus. Young people are not just in need of relationships, they are searching for them. What better place to find "real" friendship? While welcoming them into true friendships and connection, we can introduce them to a relationship that will endure beyond any other. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. 

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Ryan Tack is the

Minister to Teens at 

Generations of Grace 

in Lebanon, TN